Monday’s post The Family Hero – It’s Not All Good generated many comments and even a couple of email questions. Although Thursday is usually a positive day here, I thought I’d change things up a bit and add a bit more information about Family Heroes.
A quick recap: Children who grow up in a home with an emotionally absent parent often adopt specific roles to cope with the tension and stress. Every one of us uses all these roles at different times, but for some children, the roles harden and become their way of ‘being’ in the world.
One child, (often the oldest but not necessarily) will become the responsible child, working 
responsible sitters and all round superstars. They’re often the ‘keeners’ at school, President of the school council, leaders in whatever they do. They project an image of achievement, competence, and responsibility.
Heroes are typified by an old Charlie Brown comic:
Lucy asks: “How many times does 12 go into 6?”
Charlie replies: “It doesn’t.”
Lucy exclaims: “It will if you push!”
To accomplish all they do, heroes are usually serious, focused and driven. They are most definitely goal oriented. They are extra mature; usually following rules and regulations. They want to know the ‘right’ way to do things. They only know to work and work and then work harder.
All of these seem like good things, but I ask you to remember that children from these environments don’t know they have a choice in their response to life. Every request requires a ‘yes’, even if the hero isn’t interested or is harmed in some way.
This is the drive of the hero – a loner who seldom realizes their skills and abilities. They can’t trust their judgment (because they were making adult decisions from a child’s perspective), so they rely on the opinions of others to tell them how they’re doing. They crave recognition but are embarrassed by it, because they know they don’t deserve it.
Herein lies another problem for Heroes: inside, they see themselves for what they didn’t do. For the things they couldn’t fix or control. Their failures. Or the things they wouldn’t try because of their fear of failure.
Because they’ve always taken charge, they know how to lead the group, but they don’t know how to be one of the group.
Heroes judge themselves without mercy.
They have difficulty having fun (after all, there is always something that needs to be done).
And they take themselves very seriously – they can’t be human, they’re too busy being responsible and right. So the fun that others have, the easy laughter, the ability to kick back and relax is usually missing in heroes. They are a sober lot. Intense.
How do you reach this level of success in adulthood, when there are more variables, lower levels of control and greater competition? That’s simple: by trying harder. By becoming more rigid, more focused and more disciplined.
So heroes often become workaholics who create another generation of families with an emotionally absent parent.
For a full rich life, Heroes need to take actions, which are terrifying for them:
- Learn to say ‘No’. I am getting better but I still have to sit on my hands in board meetings when the chair asks for help with a project.
- Learn to relax and stop. It is okay to do nothing. Not everything has to be a learning opportunity or a betterment project. And fun for its own sake is a worthwhile activity. Being silly is another good thing (Heroes don’t usually dress up at costume parties – it’s a waste of time; besides they might look foolish.)
- Learn that we are not responsible for others. Not even our children. We can’t control and fix anyone – we are limited in our influence.
- Hardest of all is to learn to embrace failure as a reality of living.
On the outside, the life of a hero looks good, but they pay a high emotional and mental price for their success. Worst of all is the constant mental tirade telling them they can do more, do it faster, and do it better.
Are you the family hero? Or do you know one? Do you have a better understanding of the pressure a hero puts him/herself under? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
What do you do when the family is so screwed up that there it seems like there is no other choice to help or rescue?
Our family probably has two heroes, one loser deadbeat, and one with severe mental illness.
Our mother is 85 and has Alzheimers. At the same time, she is perfectly physically capable.
6 years ago, my wife left with 3 hours notice, leaving behind our two surviving kids, claiming our deceased daughter had been murdered.
The kids were my kids, and were traumatized by the loss of their sister and their mother’s sudden departure, at which point, she almost completely cut them off.
My son has an severe learning disability. I rescued him a number of times while he was in college (which took him 6 years). He finally made it through, and I mostly stopped the rescues and enabling then. He is about to move out of the house now; I resisted the temptation to help him with his prescription recently, among other things of late, and told him that he was on his own when it came to finding a job. I carried him for 5 months, without too much pressure, and he decided to look for a job, which he fond in a week.
While I was trying to get the kids through college, my youngest sister went off her medicine, became pscyhotic, moved into her landlord’s house to get away from the imaginary people who were chasing her, and caused $20,000 in damage during one day. My well sister and I got her into inpatient psych and then after several months of dealing with her, into a 1-year halfway house/group living treatment program. She came out of that medicated and non-psychotic, but remains as her snotty, entitled, manipulative self (either borderline personality or narcissistic personality, depending on the diagnosis). At present, she’s stable on disability (which my sister and I helped her get), and is furious at and not speaking to both of us now, I think because she found out that she is not in my mother’s healthcare proxy and because I said that she shouldn’t visit our mother during the Covid lockdown, which she did anyway.
My brother went to prison in a country 12,000 miles away, while both my parents were healthy, and I played backup to my father when he was away, at one point, working with the US embassy to get him into his own cell when he was in a cell with 6 members of that country’s mafia who were picking on him, among other favors. He hasn’t worked in the 10 years since he was deported, and lives in a cabin in the mountains 2,000 miles away. He’s prone to fits of rage, which even emerged when he visited on Christmas Eve (within a minute of entering my house) while we were dealing with my sister in psychosis.
Just after my sister entered the longer-term care facility, my father was diagnosed with cancer, and I tried to help him, even getting him into the best cancer hospital in the world in a day, through a personal contact. He collapsed, and I took over the financials as power of attorney, and it took me almost 2 years to go through the 50 years of disorganized paperwork that I took home in garbage bags that he left behind (he died after I started this process), and I kept finding what became my mother’s money, house deed, a long-term care policy, and even $10,000 in gold coins hidden in the basement.
Going through my father’s stuff and getting it transferred to my mother, getting the will, healthcare proxy, power of attorney documents and creating a special needs trust for my mentally ill sister became virtually a full-time job. Although I was able to get some gifts from my mother to avoid starvation, my income fell by 80% (I’m self-employed, with a six-figure income when I’m working).
My sister is managing a crew of aides and I’m still managing my mother’s money, taxes and paying the aides (she lives 2 hours away from both myself and my sane sister, which isn’t enough to last her projected 10 years of life. We want to give her a quality of life for now, and keep her out of any kind of senior living facility until Covid is over and they become safe again, which probably means 18 months.
I feel trapped, but by the same token, don’t think that it would have been even conceivable to walk away from my kids after what they had been through, or not to take care of my parents.
My sister and I are both burned out; I’m at the point where I hate my brother and sister, won’t let my brother in my house because of his temper and his refusal to help, and am ready to jettison all of my siblings (my well sister’s husband pressured me to take on this role, and I capitulated, fighting back reccently, which has strained my relationship with my well sister; I’m no longer speaking to my brother-in-law. At this point, I have no siblings, in my mind.
I want to take care of my mother, but managing her finances and taxes are a strain. I really don’t want to be the trustee of a trust for a mentally ill snot for the rest of my life, assuming there is anything left for her to inherit (my inheritance will be less than a year’s income, if there is any).
Somehow, my dormant business bounced back during Covid after almost 4 years of barely being able to work, and it’s a strain to manage the work properly and my mother.
My parents were good to me.
By the same token, I’m sure that I was the responsible, little adult, and that is still driving me. I was never really able to grieve the loss of my daughter; I think my wife had a nervous breakdown hat day, and not only did run the funeral, with her exploding at me, but we got hit with a hurricane/flood a month later, and it took me two years to restore our property when my wife refused to help.
I can say no, I can fight back (I feel that I have to fight with my family for my right to have a life and to earn enough money to survive and retire).
But I don’t want to walk away from my mother, and I don’t feel like I could have walked away from my kids.
But what do you do when person after person falls apart – wife, brother, sister, and then both parents – and you are not only expected to be the responsible one and take care of people, but are coping with people who in some cases really can’t take care of themselves (some of whom really do deserve care)?
Let me begin by apologizing for the delay in responding. Yours is certainly a complicated family, but here’s a question or two I’d like you to answer for yourself:
1. When do we stop parenting and become parents? At some point in time all of our children have to manage on their own, because we’re gone. When and at what age do we start preparing them for that life? Because its typical that they out live us. How best do we prepare them for that time? I heard what you said about your daughter’s death. That is a tragedy. No parent should outlive a child. But this situation is your reality, so how do you help your other kids?
2. I understand wanting to be there for your parents but what do they do if you die? or go into insolvency or have to declare bankruptcy? it is imperative that we take care of ourselves so we can be in good shape to help those we deem are dependent on us.
When we first start living the answers to these questions, we feel horribly, horribly selfish. But the truth is that we have to take care of ourselves before we have the reserves to help others. Unless we’re willing to become martyrs to the family story and history.
As always, I’d suggest you work with a licensed therapist who can help you work through these issues. And remember, every time we say “Yes, but” we are repudiating what we just heard.
again, my apologies for my late response
Good luck
Louise
Today, in therapy I discovered I am the family hero. For years I have loved with shame, guilt and fear. I have battled years of not feeling worthy to receive love. I am sick and tired of trying so hard, of being serious and intense, of having to solve the problems of the world. I just want to relax, breath and be joyful. Help me God to walk in the freedom of just being me.
Change begins when we define the problem. congratulations you are on your way.
Thank you for this post. I can relate to most of the things and comments made as a Family Hero.
Today my husband and I found this site and were absolutely moved by and identified with the information you provided regarding the Hero Child that can be fostered within a non-functioning family structure. My husband grew up in the most non-functioning family I have ever known. He was definitely the Hero Child and I was aware of that title when we dated 30 years ago. He had a Masters in Marriage and Family Counseling, so I figured he had this part of his personality handled, because in every other way he was productive, seemed hard working, creative, and caring for others (and all of the other characteristics you mentioned in the article above). I was told, and so knew many of the facts surrounding his upbringing before we married; but I did not realize the depth to which a person could be affected by this situation and syndrome throughout the rest of their life. He used to say he was a Lawful/Evil; I attributed this to his enjoyment of gaming – Dungeons and Dragons, in particular. I also gave him a lot of space and privacy throughout the ensuing years of our marriage, because I knew how invasive and dependent his mother was during his early and later childhood, and even into his adulthood. She had overly depended upon him, as his father often left and returned to the family without notice. He often lied to her to avoid her intrusion.
I am writing today because I wish to bring up an observation regarding the comment section of this subject. I empathize with all of the brave souls who have identified with being the Hero Child and have admitted the stress, feelings of inadequacy, over achievement, depression, and harsh self judgment “…seldom realizing their skills and ability. They can’t trust their judgment (because they were making adult decisions from a child’s perspective), so they rely on the opinions of others to tell them how they are doing. They crave recognition but are embarrassed by it, because they know they don’t deserve it.”
I find that there was no discussion about how these adult children of parents with severe additive personalities and emotional unavailability deal with these feelings. Having grown up within dysfunctional family dynamics, I would imagine that their coping mechanisms and skills are greatly lacking as well, and that lack is masked by the Hero characteristics and perhaps by secret behavior meant to alleviate the stressful emotions, self-doubt, and unbearable pressure. We have found this to be true in our experience. My husband never learned healthy coping skills, and through the years from a very early age, used lies to himself and others to construct a reality that he could accept and live moderately happily within. When we were unable to conceive, the perfect family he’d hoped to replace bad memories and redeem his childhood family with were dashed in his eyes. His parents died before they were 70 and he lost hope of lifting his family to a happier state. Soon after, he began to live a secret life.
He was able to maintain his exterior appearance of calm and competence, while amazingly juggling a growing complex, expensive, and multilayered lifestyle, using business travel as a convenient excuse for his distant demeanor and chronic physical disappearance.
It was only through an amazing series of serendipitous happenstance that I found out about my husband’s very involved secret life, which seemed to supply the chaos he had become used to in his childhood, and, the opportunity to control that chaos and become the Hero Adult within this contrived and barely manageable life. Once I realized a small aspect of this life, through persistence and (I believe God’s help) over a period of 6 months, I was able to unravel the complicated truth and the world of players that became his particular relief and the infrastructure for his separate and reassuring reality. During that time we began to talk. From day one, we both agreed to work on our friendship and marriage. After about a month we agreed to make no promises to each other, but that each of us would choose, whether or not to stay connected by marriage. We began to understand what happened and to build back the trust that had become unimportant as survival had become the operative driver for my husband in our marriage. As he said, “he was trying to survive”; he was not wanting to break up our 27 year marriage. That was probably why he had felt unable to discuss anything about his difficulties with me because he didn’t want to burst my bubble and risk ending our relationship.
I bring this up to anyone out there who may be facing difficulties of non disclosure in a relationship with a Hero Child. I feel that truly understanding the desperate needs that reside deeply hidden beneath the confident and in control nature of the Adult Hero Child façade can help you find ways to help your partner find real satisfaction and joy in life. It is not easy, but loving commitment, tireless research and knowledge, and bravery to really connect can help make changes to inner emotional fulfillment. I also can’t stress enough how important learning new and healthy coping skills, conflict resolution, and the practice of forgiveness is to any partnership.
We have come so far to date, and are truly enjoying a connected, mature, and joy filled relationship today. In this process we have both grown and expect so much more to come. I just wanted to add some optimism and encouragement to this discussion. Today was another day of growth and deeper understanding. Thank you for that. Blessings to you all.
Thank you for sharing. Those who live out the hero role don’t often create the kind of chaos that your husband has, although alcoholism and other addictions are not uncommon. It seems to provide the freedom to be ‘out of the grip of control’ for them. I’ve never heard of this depth of chaos creation, but your story is one reason I keep comments open on these old posts: I keep learning.
Thanks again for sharing and good luck to you both.
Thanks for your reply, Louise. With all of the learning and information that has come out of the healing process, I just felt that maybe knowing how some may manifest unusual coping mechanisms might help other spouses who haven’t realized how insidious and demanding the Adult Hero Child’s demons can be. I wish I had known, as I might have followed some of my intuition more confidently…
Who knows? I’m glad I loved him through the years, as I really only knew the good guy – not the one who emerged in secret. It was all legal; but hard on a marriage. I hope this can help someone else.
Very helpful. Thanks for sharing.
Hi my name is nick and this hero role fits me to a T. What are some things I can do to help myself get over this, it’s taking a toll on my family and I.
there are a number of things for the hero to learn to do so they move off the role, but they are all hard for us to do:
1. don’t comment on everything and everyone. Heroes tend to have lots of information and it’s usually accurate. But we don’t have to share it or use it to correct others. People don’t appreciate it so we have to learn to keep our knowledge to ourselves.
2. We sit on our hands and stop volunteering. we don’t have to be helpful, whether we’re talking about other people, organizations or societies. Just stop volunteering and begin living.
3. We have to find things we want to do. Sounds simple, but it’s not if you’re a hard line Hero.
4. Learn to be selfish. “But louise, selfishness is wrong.” Believe me for a Hero, it’s critical. I promise if you become as selfish as you can manage, you’ll still only be living at 50% selfishness when compared to others.
sounds goofy and most people say “Not me. I don’t need to learn to do those things” but keep an eye on your behavior and see where these crop up.
good luck
I agree wholeheartedly. I agree especially with your advice about forcing one’s self to be selfish. The word “selfish” too often gets a bad reputation but I believe we need to look out for ourselves first before we can (and in order to properly) look out for others. I have to learn to stop helping everyone and rescuing. It’s ok to focus on myself. My mother was a huge martyr and made me feel like I need to give constantly to others. It was to my own detriment. Sometimed I yes-ed people to death, so much so that it was a huge diservice to myself.
Yes, I totally get what you’re talking about because that was me. I felt so uncomfortable being ‘selfish’ but in actuality I wasn’t being selfish at all — I was just learning to set boundaries and take care of myself. Now I know better and I can take care of myself as well as anyone else. I don’t call it selfish. I call it self-care.
good luck
For latecomers may I suggest you link to the family hero post you are referencing? I used your search feature and couldn’t find it.
I am a 26 year old family hero.
This just turned my world upside down in the best of ways.
I didn’t know..
Thank you :’)
*proceeds to cry*
I hope that this is good information for you. It rocked my world when I figured it out for myself and my clients are always kind of shocked. Sometimes in a good way and sometimes not.
good luck
hello, thank you for this post. it has helped me through a hard time. i have been told by countless people in the past few weeks that i lead a pathetic life, always working. but it makes me comfortable. play makes me scared and worried that i’m not doing something that i should be doing. having fun seems to be more emotionally draining than anything. i’ve decided to try to have more fun and am going to sign up for adult ballet and change my hair color, shake things up a little haha. the road to recovery is still far. but i hope i can change and i would like to tell all the heroes out there that you’re all lovable, kind and amazing people and you deserve to treat yourself better. love and cheers, margarita.
good luck with all your changes. it is so good for us to shake things up. we heroes are so work focused that it’s hard to do but it’s worth it.
good luck
always felt eternally tortured, a complete failure. Nothing I ever did or continue to do is good enough. I am attracted to people that make me work hard and éarn’their love. Despite graduating with honors from college, I am haunted by the fact that I did not get accepted in to medical school last year. I am reapplying this year, and hope it works out. Additionally, I am prescribed amphetamines that help me take on the world, and have more energy. I have trouble socializing for the heck of it, as is seems like a waste of effort and energy, as a result, I seldom keep a group of friends after graduating or leaving a place. It’s a tough place to be in. Depression is unavoidable, anxiety pents up at the slightest hint of losing control. Despite everything, I am trying to understand what happened and love myself unconditionally. At times I feel as though I even fail at that.
so what are you doing about this pattern of behavior? our problem is that our best thinking got us here — and it can’t get us out. we need another voice, a voice of experience, understanding and knowledge of human behavior to help us move beyond this place. Talk to a therapist. it’s important to heal so that you can move forward as the intelligent, capable person you are.
Thank you for this. I feel that the pain of the hero role is often unrecognized. I am letting go of my role as the hero in my family because I’m tired of working so hard to keep people together, and then getting blamed for everything! As I disconnect, I do feel lonely. It’s as though people didn’t love me for who I am, but for what I did. And I want to be loved for who I am. My younger brother, who took on the hero role after me, took his life. I feel the burden of passing that role onto him – even though I know it wasn’t my fault! Thank you for bringing awareness to the pain of the hero child.
You’re welcome. Because we always look so strong and capable, people don’t see or understand our pain or frustration. Take care of yourself. Making these changes are terribly difficult and horribly stressful. Good luck
Dont know how I came about this website, but I’ve always been the hero (youngest) and your words ring true with me..I dont think I could ever articulate so well what you written here in regards to the “family hero” but its something that has affected me so much.
I wonder if you have any suggestions, books, resources, that would allow be to take a step back, reclaim my life and my direction that has been so devoted to my family, so that I can try to lead a life for myself, rather than for others.
thanks
JT
Congratulations for recognizing you are living a role. I’d recommend any of those older books on the roles of adult children of alcoholics (even if your parents do not have this illness). Melody Beattie, Claudia Black and charles whitfield, as well as sharon weigscheider-Cruse. but start with their older books which lay out and define the problem so well and that will give you lots of information.
the hard thing is to learn to be selfish. I was told that I could be as selfish as I wanted and I still wouldn’t reach 50% on the selfishness scale. I encourage you to be selfish and live with the guilt and discomfort.
it’s a hard road to hoe, but it’s so worth it. I’ve done it and I still get caught now and then, but not very often. good luck and let me know how you’re doing.
You just nailed one of my siblings here. 🙂
OOPS. funny how that works. hopefully the why’s make more sense now.
What role do you wear kristy??
Thanks for another illuminating post, Louise. Your blog’s title: Journey of a Thousand Miles becomes more meaningful as time goes by and is as meaingful for your readers as it is for you.
We have a lot to learn as writers, partners, parents, and friends.
Thx Pat. glad it makes sense to you.
unusual to have 2 heroes unless there ar emore than 4 kids, but anything is possible.
I really struggle with being too intense and not relaxing / laughing enough. Latley I’ve realized that I’m over doing it when my husband becomes obnoxiously silly. If I laugh at him, he’ll drop it. If I don’t, he’ll ramp it up until we have a blow-out fight.
Here’s one of the pictures where he kept ramping it up. I lightened up my attitude and grabbed the camera. As it was, I got nearly 20 pictures before he cut it out.
http://livingtheseasons.com/2012/02/03/i-dont-want-to-share/
Nancy
isn’t it cool to learn to not be so intense? well done.
That’s interesting. There are two in my family, and I am sandwiched in between both of them.
Another amazing post, Louise. Thank you for continuing to share your wealth of knowledge.
Thanks for stopping by, DL.I’m glad you’re enjoying the series.
So insightful and powerful, Louise. Like you mentioned above in a reply, you might not fit into a role 100%, but much of what you write here is me. I’ve always joked that I was never a kid. If there was a single reason to return to high school for me it would be so that I could enjoy some of the fun parts of being a teenager. Instead I fed into and nurtured all the angst. OY! And then you wrote:
Heroes judge themselves without mercy.
Oh my goodness–YES!
Fortunately, I’m very happy and joyful, albeit, still ‘intense’. 😉 I also enjoy laughing and having fun, but I’m rarely ‘silly’. Haha!
Fantastic post. Really looking forward to seeing where my Gemini-self seeps into the other roles.
Ginger, I was the silent ghost in high school, head down and staying out of sight as much as possible. Given I’m so gabby, it was really hard And yes, intensity is my middle name, so I get that. I still work on silliness. Doubt i’ll ever get right down to it, but I have learned to relax and play on the floor with my grandkids and build tents under my table and so on – but grandkids bring that out in me. they’re way more fun than my children were.
I’m sure you’ll see yourself in other posts – that’s pretty typical.
have a good weekend.
Louise, thanks so much for your thoughtful insights. You have helped me tremendously with my main character development. You also described to a T a friend whose relentless seeking of the next big business deal had baffled me somewhat because by any reasonable standard he has “made it.” He can relax and enjoy. But knowing a little about his background, I see now he is a hero as you describe it, and is hurting from it, so there’s always something telling him it’s not good enough. I look forward to more wise words!
Kecia, I’m glad these posts have been helpful in the development of your characters. and if you can better understand your friend, that’s a bonus. For heroes, nothing is ever enough. and so he has to chase the next big deal.
Louise, this definitely fits me to a T. Wow. I’ve been working on overcoming my hero role for a number of years and have made some pretty wonderful strides. But, I recently found myself “taking a trip home,” as my counselor used to say. I reverted to old behaviors. I have been using my time off from blogging to try to re-center myself. This post helped me see it a little more clearly. Gosh, darn it, we heroes sure can be hard on ourselves! The struggle to overcome feelings of failure and that relaxing or being silly is something I don’t have time for is constant for me. Thanks for this wonderful post.
We heroes are very hard on ourselves. worse than anyone else ever could be.
I’m so glad you’re taking the time to get re-centered. that’s way more important than anything else – because we lose ourselves in the work so easily. I love the term “taking a trip home”. I’m going to use it with my clients, and myself. it explains exactly what we do when we return to the supposed ‘safety’ of the old ways.
take care of you. You matter
By these guidelines I was the hero, for as long as I can remember. Still working on the cure, getting there slowly. Great post, very insightful.
I’m so glad you’re recovering Pru. In families where abuse occurs, these roles often are utilized to manage the stress.
Dang it, Louise! You made me all misty-eyed again. I’m not the hero, but my sister fits this profile exactly. You made me look at her life in a completely new way ~ I would never have thought that she was suffering because inside her mind she’s always thinking it’s not enough. I can totally see that, though. Seriously, if you needed a poster child for the family hero, it would be her. She scares me a little. Okay, sometimes a lot.
Will you have posts in the future of how the different roles can communicate with each other better? It would be great to have a conversation with her and not have her try to ‘fix’ me!
Tameri, I’m so glad you’ve achieved a new understanding of your sister. that’s wonderful.
Your sister and i would probably be very much alike. We find it difficult to change because we have learned and studied and know so darn much (why do you think I started studying psychology?
One of the things I’ve had to remember with the heroes in my life is that they are happy to do all that work – it reinforces things for them, so if I can back down, and let the other hero be in charge, be the organizer, be the knowledgeable one, then we’re both happier.
It seems strange but allowing a hero to lead the way, because they usually do a good job, , gives them the respect they crave and the reassurance that they’re doing a good job.
We heroes mistake helping you with loving you. (many of us believe that if you need us, you will love us). When we ‘help’, we are showing you that we love you. When you refuse, we feel our love has been rejected. That does NOT mean you should cave in to us, if it doesn’t suit you.
this is becoming another blog so I’ll stop. but I love the idea of tips on communication and I’ll add that to the end of the series.
be well.
My husband went into rehab this week and I am so grateful. I attended a Family class and my first encounter of hero child . Very helpful understanding of self. I am feeling: gratitude, sadness and , fear about what is to come. Your comment that Hero’s mistake helping as love brings me peace with the understanding of creating my boundaries which will support but not enable his disease does not equate to me removing love!
Good for you to see your pattern. Good luck as you cover the path of recovery…its so worth it.
I love that you have a way Louise of making people feel safe so that they feel comfortable talking about this subject. That says so much about you as a person. And the fact that you care enough to write about this subject for everyone to learn from.
Hmm. My sister has always said that we grew up with Mommy dearest. And as the oldest sibling, I became her alter ego. That meant her faults were displaced on me, because she was such a perfectionist. And you could never make her happy. Even now. So I was raised to be the responsible one as I was the oldest and was told to set the example. But that kinda goes with the territory of being the first born I think. But to her dismay, I was more like my father and I bucked the system. I busted out of the house early and got married. Although I have to say I am thankful everyday for the man I married. We grew up together and he is my best friend and supporter. And throughout the years I have been letting go one piece at a time of my emotional baggage. Oh, but I’m sure I still have some left. Do we ever let go of all of it? LOL! That’s a question for ya Louise! 🙂
Thanks Karen. I’m glad you feel safe enough to chat about your life. I’m honored. the good news for you, is that you didn’t take on the role, even when she tried to foist it on you. You were a perfect candidate and yet you didn’t absorb it – well done. this role is usually carried by oldest children, but it’s not always about birth order.
and yes, extra responsibility is usually given to the eldest child.
as far as letting go of it, I think each of us carries a few things that are so deep that we deal with them now, and then they raise their head down the road in a different guise. For example, I have had to learn to say ‘no’ and to refuse to volunteer. but with 2 granddaughters living next door, I’ve had to learn to say ‘no’ to them, sometimes too.
so I continue to learn about not being the hero all the time.
Louise, I missed your last post so had to go back and read it before I tackled this one. Wow, the stuff you know is amazing. 🙂 I grew up in what I considered a fairly normal family but being the oldest girl, I had a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. And as a mother who invested a lot of herself into her job, I — in turn — shouldered my boys with lots of responsibility. The only saving grace is that both boys were shouldering the same hefty load. Not that that’s a good thing, but at least I don’t feel more guilty about one over the other. 🙂
the key question Sheila, is that in homes where rigid heroes come from, one parent if emotionally unavailable and the other is focused on parent number 1. so i’m sure your boys aren’t locked into this pattern. we all have some of all the roles, but the problem arises when children adopt one role or the other and aren’t able to switch when appropriate. lucky boys who had you for a mom.
Well, I still think I fit this profile, but I definitely love to get dressed up and be the life of the party. Perhaps I’m a well adjusted hero. Yeah, that’s it. I like the sound of that. Or maybe I’m just crazy.
I’m loving these posts, Louise. Getting some really good information to incorporate into my writing, not to mention my personal life.
Note to self – learn to say no.
Patricia Rickrode
w/a Jansen Schmidt
WE’re never all of one role, Patricia, we’re usually a blend of them, but in the family home I outlined, we become more locked into one role or the other. As I go through the other roles, I’m sure you’ll see that.
Glad you’re enjoying.
Louise, I didn’t know you were blogging. This is fantastic! Good to be reminded of our conversations from time to time – like this one, for instance!
Yes, I got into the blogosphere a couple of months ago. Glad this blog is a good reminder, Ceilidh. I love seeing how wonderful your life is and watching those ittle ones grow up. It’s quite amazing to see them over the backdrop of the past. well done, my dear.
Another informative post, Louise, on a topic I’ve never heard covered before. I’ve definitely played the hero role before—though I hadn’t thought of it that way until now. All four of those challenges are items I’ve faced. Thanks for the wonderful insight!
I’m glad you stopped by, August, and happy you learned something. This model is a simple one, that most of us can readily understand ourselves and our loved ones – understanding is always a good thing.
Cheers
I’m the oldest and definitely was always thought of as the reliable, responsible child. I didn’t mind being in charge until I realized that my parents put great value on my responsibility over my siblings–then I remember it feeling “heavy.”
Yes, that responsibility can become a burden, can’t it? My mother always encouraged/allowed/supported my being responsible – she knew I’d take charge and handle things for her, even though I was a child and she was an adult. I wonder if this feeling of heaviness is why many of us heroes become overweight? (Another common outcome of being the hero.)
This spoke to me so much, I almost cried. I’m always worried I’m not doing the right thing. I assume everyone knows more than I do and that I’m wrong. I’ve played my life very safe because I’m afraid of screwing up (which I still do an awful lot). And the whole looking foolish thing, yeah, exactly my thoughts. I took a step away from that when I dressed up for the Star Wars 3D premier. Was a ton of fun even though we got lots of points and stares. Thank you for such a lovely post.
Samanth, My heart breaks for you. Been there. still do that on occasion (more often than I’d like, to be sure. If we could only see ourselves as therest of the world sees us – confident, capable and calm, we would be so much closer to the truth. Keep plugging along, my friend. Feel free to send me an email if you get caught up in this hero stuff and would like to chat.
Yup, I know people like this. Interestingly enough, most are only children, who grew up taking care of a parent in poor health while the other worked all the time. And you’re soooo right in your comment above – this is great information to have at hand when developing our characters. Thanks again for the insight!
Only children are almost always heroes – there is a feeling they have to succeed because they are all their parents ‘have’.
Glad you’re finding value in these posts, Jennette – especially for character building.
Louise, I am 110 percent the family hero. My actions seemed completely natural as a child, but as an adult, I ended up working myself sick. Today, I’m lucky to be married to a supportive husband who understands I’m still learning to be a better, more relaxed version of myself–aren’t we all? He gently reminds me that sometimes I need to let go and not push myself so hard. But old habits die hard.
Saddest of all is the way I had to learn this lesson. A few years ago, I became extremely ill, and despite my illness, some family members still expected me to pick up the pieces of their mistakes, without offering me any help in return. I think, subconsciously, I always thought that if I worked hard enough, if I ever needed help, they would be there for me. I learned too late that they wouldn’t know how to give that support when the time came.
Inside of every hero is a voice that says we have to work really, really hard because we believe we’re not good enough. It’s hard to reeducate the wounded child inside of us who’s worried the world will find out we’re a fraud. And even though I still have a long (looooong) way to go, I swear, one of these days I’ll learn how to have fun and forgive myself. Thanks for this post!
Janelle, I’m so glad you found this post helpful. All heroes carry that wounded child who tells us we have to do more and more and more. Nothing is ever enough. I so understand about your situation with your family. It’s taken me years and years and years to learn that many people feel entitled to my giving my life to them and that they don’t see any need for me to need anything from them ever. I know today this started with my mother who let me take charge, because she didn’t want to or she couldn’t. But it was a lesson I learned well. It decided who I fell in love with, married and lived with for 30 years. You’re so lucky that little child found you a good one, who’s supportive and kind and knows you’re working to put an end to the tyranny.
take care – and feel free to send me an email if you ever need to vent.
Thanks, Louise. 🙂
Oh, wow, this was amazing! I see a lot of myself in the description of a hero. And what you said about following rules and making adult decisions from a child perspective. So true! I have been working on relazing and having fun, but am still dealing with the backlash of guilt when I don’t get anything “productive” done. Thanks for the next steps. I am so going to follow them!
having fun is still my downfall. just taking the time to be silly and relax. I hear you, emma and can soooo identify. let me know how it goes.
While these descriptions are true for the people in our world, they do work wonderfully well for characters. Heroes can be hard to see – because the internal landscape conflicts so deeply with the external. I’m glad my description was clear enough that you could see some of these hard working folks in your circle.
This is a wonderful description! I’m the oldest, but not a hero, even though I could have used some of those traits:) I do know some heros, and they fit so perfectly into what you have described. Very interesting character traits (I’m thinking as a writer here).Great post!