Psychopaths Among Us Part 1

Posted on May 28, 2012 by

I recently read and reviewed an advance copy of Diane Capri’s terrific new thriller (after Don’t Know Jack) featuring a chillingly accurate villain. Fatal Distraction was released on 5/24 and is already climbing to the top of the charts garnering more rave reviews.

Fatal Distraction introduces Jess Kimball, a relentless investigative columnist with a tragic past in the style of Dominick Dunne, on the trail of a cunning Florida killer who’s targeted Florida’s first woman governor, Helen Sullivan. Helen and Jess together face the determined killer in a pitched battle of wit and nerve. Who will survive? Here’s what I said in my review:

5.0 out of 5 stars Compelling, Scary Read, May 19, 2012

By Louise Behiel (Alberta, Canada) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Fatal Distraction (Kindle Edition)

Normally, I read romance, but Ms. Capri’s thrillers are slowly pulling me over to the dark side. <vbg>

Fatal Distraction was a thoroughly enjoyable book. I couldn’t put it down. Looking into the mind and heart of a psychopath is always frightening and Ms. Capri does a good job of keeping the reader on the edge of her seat. She clearly shows the logic and reasoning of a twisted mind. Pitting him against an intelligent and driven reporter and a smart female governor is putting a flame to tinder and it’s always fiery.

Tight plotting and Ms Capri’s typical well developed characters make this book a compelling read.

After I posted my review of the book, Diane and I began a fascinating conversation about psychopaths among us. The more we talked, the more we discovered. We’ve broken the conversation into two parts. This is part one and we’ll post part two next time. Come listen in:

Louise Behiel:  I loved your book, Diane. Your villain is one of the most realistically portrayed psychopaths I’ve seen in popular culture. What inspired you to write about a psychopath and how did you create him so realistically?

Diane Capri:   Ideas that grow into novels for me often begin with something I don’t even notice at first. But it comes up and later grabs my emotions in a way that makes me realize a good story lives there. That’s what happened with Fatal Distraction.

Louise Behiel:  What was that?

Diane Capri:  At a dinner party, someone mentioned that a retired homicide detective we knew had recently died. We began reminiscing about him and the most notorious unsolved case he’d investigated decades earlier involving a local killer with multiple victims. He was dubbed The Oakland County Child Killer. Although the investigation was the largest in U.S. history at the time, it ended abruptly when he simply stopped abducting and killing children.

Louise Behiel:  That’s very odd for a psychopath and multiple killer. Once they start, they rarely stop.

Diane Capri:  No one knew why he stopped. At the time, people speculated that he’d actually been killed himself, or sent to prison for another crime, or maybe just moved on to another state or country. The case haunted our friend until he passed away, though. He always believed they’d find the killer.

Louise Behiel: But they never did?

Diane Capri:  *shakes head* The conversation continued to nag at me. Why did he kill? How could he just stop after so many victims? What kind of killer does that? I began research into that question and the answer came soon enough: a true psychopath. Then, the real chill started. I can feel it again as we’re talking here.

Louise Behiel:  Why?

Diane Capri:  Because I realized I’d seen this behavior up close and personal several times. A true psychopath coldly kills or steals or lies or cheats in a way normal people don’t behave. Because a true psychopath simply has no conscience. None at all. He never feels guilt or shame or remorse. Ever. For anything.

Louise Behiel:  Now you’re giving me chills!

Diane Capri:  Sorry! One of the things I learned doing the research for Fatal Distraction was that not all killers are psychopaths and not all psychopaths are killers. In your therapy practice, have you treated psychopaths?

Louise Behiel:   I don’t come into contact with psychopaths who are killers (thank heavens).  But psychopaths are all around us.  My clients are often in relationship with them, either at work or at home.  Psychopaths constitute about 4% of the population, so no doubt we’ve all met one or two of them.

Diane Capri:  Can you give us some common examples?

Louise Behiel:  How often have you worked for a ‘jerk’ boss?  A person who didn’t care about anyone but him or herself? Ever been in a relationship with someone (male or female) who is arrogant, self-centered and lives with a sense of entitlement?  Whose entire life is directed toward self–gratification?  Lying, cheating, and stealing are common with psychopaths.  When this is combined with charm and ingratiation, psychopaths can fool even the wisest among us.  They just don’t care about the rights, property or safety of others and have no remorse or guilt over their actions.  Remember, they will step over you or on you to achieve their goals and they won’t give their behavior a moment’s thought, except to celebrate achieving their goals.

Diane Capri:  But what motivates them to engage in such behaviors?

Louise Behiel:  Psychopaths get incredible pleasure and satisfaction from humiliating, demeaning, dominating and/or hurting others. What is most confusing is that they pass for normal in our lives. So sometimes, when you think a person is taking advantage of you and playing games, they might well be.

That’s all we have time for in this post. But join us next time when we’ll cover much more about the Psychopaths Among Us in Part Two. In the meantime, tell us about psychopaths you’ve known? We’ll tell you about the ones we’ve met next time.

Posted in Louise Behiel, writing | Tagged , , , , | 46 Comments

PTSD as an Outcome of Childhood Abuse

Posted on May 24, 2012 by

Originally, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was recognized and diagnosed in returning war veterans.  Now, it is recognized as an outcome from a traumatic situation. In fact, new research postulates that PTSD can result from events that may not seem too severe.

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association V5, has refined the diagnostic criteria of PTSD, but it now lists two sets of criteria – one for anyone over six and another for children under 6. This confirms that PTSD can occur in very young children and results in symptoms strong enough to be observed and measured.  If you have time to spare, feel free to read about the new criteria here.

For all of us, a traumatic event has some natural repurcussions. When our sense of safety is shattered, it’s normal to feel numb, or disconnected, depressed or ‘out of control’. Bad dreams, obsessive thoughts about the experience and overwhelming fear are all normal reactions to events that are beyond our normal life.  For most people, these feelings are short-lived and gradually dissipate. With PTSD, the feelings don’t lift and get worse with time. And since you feel ‘crazy’ you are not likely to talk to anyone about the event or your emotional reactions.

Children who experience trauma may lack the vocabulary to express what happened, may not be believed if they speak out or may have been told it’s their fault.  Latest research shows that abuse and/or trauma affect brain development, causing structural abnormalities in the frontal lobe, home to our emotions. Over time, these changes in the brain may result in personality deficits if not recognized and treated. (See http://www.upliftprogram.com/article_ptsd.html)

To diagnose PTSD there must be the presence or threat of a traumatic event, experienced or observed. It can also occur from hearing about a friend’s experience or observation. It is common in those who are exposed to the details of such events (police officers, firemen and paramedics reading reports).

While everyone experiences PTSD differently (and the DSM – V has more detailed criteria), there are three main symptoms:

1.  Flashbacks (re-experiencing the traumatic event): The re-living of traumatic events in the moment.  They can be precipitated by an external event (the sound of footsteps in the hall) or a jogged memory.  They feel ‘crazy’ and disorienting because of ‘feeling’ back in that moment in time.  To work thru them, remind yourself that you are an adult and are safe now. Breathe slowly but naturally. Consciously slow down your alarm response. Sometimes wrapping yourself in a blanket or holding a pillow can help.  If you’re in public, grab hold of something, (a chair or a desk) plant your feet firmly on the ground and take a couple of deep breaths, and remind yourself that you are an adult, you are in a safe place and that all is well.

Bad memories can also occur as bad dreams.  If they occur regularly, remind yourself before you go to sleep, that should a bad dream occur, you will wake up immediately.  (This will take practice but can be learned.) Then follow the suggestions above to soothe and calm yourself.

 2.  Avoiding reminders of the trauma – At its simplest, PTSD is the ‘storing away’ of bad memories which are too difficult to assimilate, integrate and release.  Because we need to deal with them, they pop up, usually at inopportune times.  From the desire (Conscious or sub-conscious) to keep the memories at bay sufferers may try to avoid reminders of the trauma.  So they won’t go near a specific house, or will avoid certain types of people. Or will only sleep in locked rooms or high windows.  Making love in certain positions may cause panic attacks. Ditto for the shower hitting your face. 

 The list is endless and applies to the person’s need to feel safe and avoid the memories.  Ironically, often there is no knowledge of why I can only sleep in a room with a locked door, but that’s my truth and so I live that way. 

Most of us have seen TV programs where a car backfiring throws a veteran into a flashback.  But this is not necessarily the only type of trigger.  For abuse survivors, triggers are often more personal and less obvious.  I regularly hear from clients who can’t sleep in their parents’ home or at grandma’s house.  The smell of a barn or a new vehicle can be triggers.  As they try to avoid any stimulus that might trigger their memories, the risk is that their world becomes smaller and smaller.  And they get more and more stuck in the drive to keep the memories at bay. And worst of all, along with this symptom is the inability to remember the original trauma.

 3. Increased anxiety and emotional arousal: Over time, clients with PTSD often have trouble falling asleep, or once asleep, they can’t stay asleep.  Or if they do sleep, it is a light, shallow sleep that is not restorative. Sufferers are usually hyper vigilant – they know where everyone is around them, all the time.  I had a client who could empty a handful of change from his pocket, along with all the other paraphernalia men carry, and seemingly drop it on the nightstand.  He could always tell if any of it had been moved – even 24 hours later! This kind of vigilance consumes lots of energy and is exhausting.  It exacerbates the lack of sleep. 

Many people with PTSD have an exaggerated startle effect, so a slamming door will be much more jarring to them.  Usually they are more sensitive to noise (banging plates as the table is set) and loud voices.  And because of their heightened state of awareness, they may have trouble concentrating.  Often misdiagnosed as ADHD, PTSD clients do not find relief with the drugs or therapies for that syndrome because the cause is different.

If you consider a person who isn’t getting enough sleep, who is easily startled and who is always aware of what is going on around them (by the way, they often have amazing peripheral vision), what would be the expected outcome?  You got it!  Irritability and a bad temper are common in PTSD sufferers.  But when considered in the context of PTSD, anger and irritability are perfectly logical outcomes.

Not everyone who is sexually abused gets PTSD, but it is very common.  It begins from a need to put the originating trauma at a distance, but ironically creates many problems.  It is treatable with therapy and occasionally, medication.

Remember the rules of this blog: No diagnosis.  But if some of these symptoms match your experience, contact a mental health professional who can help you determine what’s going on and start you on the road to healing.

Additional information came from: http://www.upliftprogram.com/article_ptsd.html and

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/post_traumatic_stress_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm

Questions? Comments?  Did this raise the hair on the back of your head?  Let me know and I’ll repond.

Posted in child abuse, Louise Behiel, Sexual Abuse | Tagged , , | 42 Comments

The 16 Signs of Childhood Sexual Abuse

Posted on May 21, 2012 by

Over many years of working with survivors of childhood abuse, in all of its many permutations and combinations, I’ve come to believe that there is a constellation of symptoms or behaviors in adults which suggest they might have been abused as children. While these are more applicable to sexual abuse, some apply to physical abuse victims and a few apply to the other types of abuse we put children through.

Disclosure: the most exhaustive list I’ve ever found is in the book Secret Survivors, by E. Sue Blume. It’s an old one (1998) but it is still worth reading if any of this feels like it might be your truth.

It is not my place as a therapist, in my opinion, to diagnose or make decisions about your past.  It is my job to help you discover it for yourself.  So while the items on this list are common in the people I’ve worked with, I do NOT use it as a tool to tell clients they’ve been abused. I use it for my information only. It provides a possible underlying reason that my client chose to come to therapy at this time. The same is true for you — you must NOT read this list and say to yourself “I ticked off most of these characteristics, so I must have been abused”. That’s not the way this stuff works. {Sorry}

Abuse survivors often:

1. Have a very sensitive gag reflex

2. Can’t tolerate having water hit them in the face (in the shower or pool)

3. May not enjoy bathing; personal hygiene can be a challenge; alternately they may shower fastidiously and too often

4. Dressing inappropriately (either very modestly or very immodestly) for the weather and their size

5. Obesity (in my clients about 1/3 of the obese women were sexually abused)

6. Have eating disorders, alcoholism andor/ virtually every form of addiction, including sex

7. Abuse themselves – cutting, picking at the skin, burning (usually from cigarettes)

8. Lack boundaries, physically, emotionally and spiritually

9. Have ‘dead zones’ on the body (for example, may not know body has wet spots after toweling off after a shower, or she may not know how she got a bruise)

10. Are unable to make love in certain positions

11. Can’t remember periods during childhood or realize that everything happened at ‘8 or 9 or…’

12. Feel crazy, or different, or alone; also feel dirty and unworthy

13. Regularly see double entendres in ordinary conversation

14. Not trust the body (to be strong, graceful, reliable, healthy)

15. Suffer emotional abreactions: reliving the emotions of the abuse when confronted with specific stimuli, e.g. smells (aftershave or cooked cabbage like Grandma always made) or sounds (a footstep in the hall at night) or images (a type of bed or a sofa in the basement) or touch (the hair, or lack of, on a man’s chest) or taste (slimy, tart, or spicy). This is usually part of PTSD, but that deserves a post of its own, because of the complexity of the topic.

16. Arousal when reading about a child who’s been victimized. This is the body’s response to the victim’s sexual ‘education’ and is particularly prevalent if the victim was groomed over a period of time.  But it is the most shameful reaction for victims and one that is the hardest to talk about. It is also the only item on this list that makes me mad.  I’m not talking about the arousal of a perpetrator here, but the reaction of my client who feels ashamed because “Something is wrong with me if I feel this way”. It reinforces the message they were given during the abuse that said “this is your fault” or “you like it”. This message is incredibly complicated if the victim experienced arousal during the abuse. (Yes it happens – it’s natural and it’s normal).This isn’t a person who is aroused looking at a child but only when reading about the abuse done to children. (All my women clients who report this symptom admit it only comes when reading, but I have a small sample.)

It should be clear that the effects of childhood sexual abuse are long term and insidious. They don’t go away unless treated and resolved. They vary in complexity and how they interact. They are always impacted by the role the client has adopted to handle the stress of her family of origin.

And they are always treatable. They can be resolved, diminished or made manageable. The important thing is to accept that if ‘something doesn’t feel right’, it probably isn’t. And that there is no shame for what was done to you.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT

If you doubt that, please go and watch children playing at a park or in a yard or in their home.  Preferably watch children who are about the age you were at the time of your abuse or when it began. Watch them carefully. Then tell me what is sexual about their behavior.

Little kids love to run around without clothes.  It’s natural for them.  Tell me what is sexual about a 2 or 3 year old running and giggling because she got out of the bathroom after her bath and is enjoying the escape.

Kids are not sexual – unless a perpetrator has taught them to be.

Posted in Louise Behiel, Sexual Abuse | Tagged , , | 27 Comments

Weekend Writer: Tips for Staying on The Writing Beam

Posted on May 20, 2012 by

I originally started this blog to talk about writing and the world of publishing. As we’ve moved into more information about families and the outcomes for children from a type of family, the writing piece seems to have been misplaced.  <vbg> But I love the twice weekly format these posts have settled into.  So I’ve decided to start an occasional feature called “The Weekend Writer”. This won’t happen every weekend, but when something comes up that seems worth my time, and yours, I’ll post it. If you’d like a spot on the Weekend Writer, contact me.  I’m happy to share your wisdom with the world.

Today, our guest post is from Margaret Jules, who contacted me a couple of weeks ago about creativity.  I was delighted. Margaret’s bio is at the bottom of the post. She’s a skilled writer and I’m glad to have her here. Margaret, over to you.

Thanks Louise

Tips for Staying On the Writing Beam

There are many writers present in all parts of the world, but very few can make it big. Some people from other professions say that they tried writing but could not continue it for long. No matter how easy it may sound to some, writing needs a lot of focus and commitment. Almost every writer finds herself distracted once in a while. Here are some tips that can help you stay on the beam.

Begin your day well

If you are a writer who goes to an office with lot of people there, you already know it. For those who work at home, some extra challenges have to be faced. Firstly, resist the temptation to connect to the Internet immediately after you get up. Being in the creative field, it is important to pay heed to your morning thoughts. When the mind is fresh, the best comes out. Keep yourself untouched by the online world, as long as you can. Dress up for your job, even if you work at home. You don’t know how long it will take you to get up once you sit on the computer. Keep a track of activities that take up your time and check whether they are important. This applies to watching funny videos, sharing them and making irrelevant Google searches. These activities are fine once in a while but do not make them a habit or a part of your routine.

Take reasonable breaks

Writing well needs a fresh and relaxed mind. You do have a life and you definitely deserve breaks to do other things. Take some time out for social media if you need, but keep it under control. Same applies to cooking and other household chores. Make sure you know how much time you would need to prepare lunch or snack or sort laundry. Get it done and come back to work. You need to discipline yourself without any external influence when you work from home. Make necessary calls during these breaks and keep your phone away when you sit down to write.

Don’t push yourself too much

There are times when you just cannot write. Try to change some things. Take a break or get some light drink to freshen you up. If you have a laptop, you may want to sit in another room or go somewhere outside where you have the place to sit and work. Many writers resort to public libraries for this. If nothing works, stop. Shut down the computer and go for a walk. Come back to write when your mind it fresh again. Sometimes, all you need to enhance your productivity is slow down. You need to sharpen your axe (aka your mind) from time to time before you can cut more wood (write any further).

If you have made up your mind, remember that nothing in the world can distract you. When you have a strong determination to do something, you overcome obstacles easily. Focus on why you write, and it will give you the strength to move on every time. Try these tips to improve your productivity and stay focused on the job at hand.

About the author: Margaret is a blogger by profession. She loves writing on environment and technology. Beside this she is fond of books. She recently did an article on automotto. These days she is busy in writing an article on born rich.

Posted in Louise Behiel | Tagged , , | 24 Comments

How Deep are the Scars of Abuse?

Posted on May 17, 2012 by

A number of people have contacted me  over the past few months, wanting to talk about their victimization. These emails describe a wide range of feelings, reactions and heartbreak. For adults who were abused as children, the emotional outcome is as varied as people are. There are no hard and fast outcomes – there is only your outcome and it’s as perfect as perfect can be. It is always normal.  And it is always healthy.

So let’s chat, in a general way, about the emotional outcomes for people who were abused as children.  These outcomes are affected by a number of factors:

1. Do you remember the abuse? While this sounds like a silly question, many adults don’t remember what happened to them as children. It is either so ugly that it is buried deeply or the victim has put it away to allow her familial relationships to survive or perhaps the victim dissociated during the abuse so there are few memories registered. The latter is, ironically, not unlike an alcoholic blackout in which the memories are not be imprinted on the mind.

2. How old were you when it started? And how long did it go on? If you were regularly abused from a very early age, in a perverse twist of the mind (mostly to cope) the abuse may be more normalized.  Since it has always been there, it is just a fact of life.  Clients come to me and knew something was wrong but didn’t know what.  They assume it’s their mental health problem, when in fact they were physically and/or sexually abused well into adulthood.  I’ve been asked: “How can a woman allow that to go on without reporting it?” The answer is fairly simple: “It’s all she’s ever known.”  If that is your ever-present reality,  then it is all you’ve ever known and it is ‘normal’ to you.  (Note, I didn’t say healthy, but normal.)

3. Who are you? What are your emotional strengths? We are all wired differently. And each of us reacts to abuse in our own way.  Some people will experience one event and be as traumatized as another person who was repeatedly assaulted and/or raped. Their is no ‘right’ reaction. The one you’re experiencing is perfectly correct and natural for you.

4. Who is your perpetrator? Generally, the closer the relationship between victim and perp, the deeper the emotional trauma. This is not always the case, but when the relationship is one that should have nourished and supported us, the damage is usually deeper and longer lasting.  Please notice all the qualifiers. If you were sexually abused by a minister, teacher or scout leader you knew or a stranger you didn’t, I am not saying your abuse doesn’t matter or it doesn’t hurt. That is not my intention at all.  The outcome of being victimized can vary when we have cultural expectations of protection, nurturing and love from the person who victimized us. If you’re not safe at home, where can you be safe? If your home was the site of the abuse, why would you want to be there? What lengths will you go to to avoid being at home and enduring the company of your perpetrator?

5. What was the abuse you suffered? Abuse occurs on a continuum of ugliness and violence and sadism. For most of us, physical abuse ranges from slapping to punching, kicking and choking. It extends from leaving a red mark to serious injuries. This kind of abuse is never a one-off but rather is a cycle of stress relief for the perpetrator who used your behavior (your childish behavior) to justify his out of control actions. For sexual abuse victims, the range is also wide. On one end of the spectrum is inappropriate jokes, conversations and comments about body parts and body functions and the sex act. Across the spectrum is oral, anal, and vaginal rape, either by a single perpetrator or a group.

Please note the word rape. Sexual abuse is NOT sex.  It is rape! I strongly object when the press or others talk about a man having sex with his daughter. That statement enrages me. Please, let’s call a spade a spade. For victims, owning that they were raped, usually repeatedly, by someone they know, puts the experiences into the context of violence, being forced and deprived of any choice. Women seem more able to sympathize and empathize with another woman who was raped. And yet, those same women may minimize their experience as ‘just’ sexual abuse….Take a deep breath, Louise. Be calm…Relax.

Okay, I’m better now.

6. How long did your abuse continue? Women tend to minimize their experience if it only happened a few times. My male clients, once they admit that rape or physical abuse happened, are horrified whether it happened once or a hundred times. I’ve noticed, as a therapist that your issues will usually be a lot deeper, your reactions more ingrained if the abuse went on for a long time. Or if you got pregnant as a result of the rape, whether the child was carried to term or not.

7. Was your abuse acknowledged by others?  When you remembered it or began dealing with it or asked for help, who did you first tell? Or after some therapy, who did you share this painful truth with? Our abuse was extraordinarily painful. We are victimized by someone and when we go for help our truth is denied, and sometimes we are punished for lying. Or we are told we asked for it. Or that we are rotten people because _______ (fill in the blank with the name of your perpetrator) could not and would not do something so disgusting and vile. This disavowal of our experience can be as traumatic (or more traumatic) than the original abuse! Not only were we traumatized by the original event, but when we built up the courage to bring it forward we are victimized again – usually by a person who can’t deal with our experience; one who needs to put it back on us or they would have to deal with their failure to protect us. Or they refuse to change their opinion of a family member to accommodate something so vile. It is always their failing and never yours.

8. Who long did you carry the abuse around before you sought help? Adults who were physically abused often have less trouble acknowledging what happened to them. In conversations about their childhood, they may make comments like “my dad had a horrible temper” or “dad like to his us kids”. But rarely do we talk about the sexual abuse that was done to us. This is part of the cultural reticence to discuss anything to do with sexuality and our bodies ‘down there’. But it is can also be a lingering sense of personal responsibility (I” enticed him because I was so provocative and sexy”). It can also be from the fear that we will be pitied or the risk that others won’t believe us. And if we’re minors, there is the omnipresent risk that telling may ‘destroy’ our families because the perpetrator will be sent to jail.

There are other factors that affect how deeply we are injured by childhood abuse but these are the main ones, from my experience. Again, it is important that you not take this short list and chastise yourself because ‘you’re overreacting’. However you react is your experience and it is your truth and it is normal for you. Don’t give any credence to what anyone else tells you. And don’t let this post make you feel worse because your reaction doesn’t follow this simple list. We are wonderfully complicated people and life isn’t as simple as an 8 point list.

If you used (or are using) drugs, alcohol, sex, food or other substances or activities to numb the pain, please seek help for the addiction first.  After we become addicted to a substance or behavior, our brains change. It is important to get our gray matter on the road to recovery before we start to deal with our past, otherwise, we give ourselves a repeated and continual reason to continue the harm that was done to us  in childhood.

Does this list make sense to you? Would you like to add to it? Change it? Remember you are the expert in your life.

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Posted in Abuse, adult children, Louise Behiel | Tagged , , , , | 29 Comments

4 Stages of Healing from Childhood Abuse

Posted on May 14, 2012 by

Over the years, I have worked with many victims of abuse, women or men who were abused in childhood (I do not work with children).  Sometimes the abuse consisted of neglect; often it was physical, and emotional.  For many, it was sexual.  I find it interesting that in my practice, the men who were sexually abused as children were abused by someone outside of the family. the girls were all victimized by their fathers. (That is not the statistical norm but it’s the numbers from my practice.)

I’ve worked with people of many ages and at different stages of remembering and recovering from their abuse.  They seem to go through a sequence of healing.  Usually the healing takes years but for those who do the work and continue to be aware and alert to the process, a successful conclusion is inevitable.

1. We are victims of the abuse.

In this stage, survivors may or may not remember the abuse.  Or they may or may  not acknowledge the extent of the abuse. For example, they feel weird, or different, or dirty but have no memory of abuse happening to them.  Or they remember the abuse but discount it, after internalizing the messages of their abuser, saying it wasn’t that bad (for example, ‘Sure dad had a temper but we deserved the punishment). Regardless of whether we remember it or recognize it for the trauma it was, the abuse is still driving our lives. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is not unusual but rarely undiagnosed.

2. We are survivors of the abuse.

In this stage people know what happened.  They’re conscious of the things that were done to them and the enormity of the crimes committed against them. They are often swamped with pain and have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and know what it is. For abuse victims, PTSD looks similar to war vets.  Remember, they have survived a war against them.  Sounds in the night, the other side of the bed dipping when someone climbs in, the smell of semen or intercourse in specific positions – any and all of these may cause an emotional abreaction – a situation in which long repressed emotions are triggered, expressed, and released. The key here is that victims are aware of the abuse but it is still a dominant influence on their life. Talking about the abuse still brings up deep emotions.  Nauseousness, anxiety and fear are still the hallmarks of their emotional life.

3. We are people abuse happened to.

At some point in time, usually with lots of therapy, supportive friends and a recovery plan in hand, victims stop being victims. They move beyond the abuse controlling and managing their lives to knowing it’s in the past. The emotional abreactions cease, for the most part (no one is ever guaranteed that they will be gone forever). Victims can talk about their abuse without being overwhelmed by emotion. They can share their story appropriately but are not driven to share it indiscriminately.

4. The abuse is just stuff.

At some point, with diligence and a willingness and drive to move beyond the abuse, it becomes a moment in the past.  I don’t want you to think the victims minimize what happened to them.  Nor do they discount it. Rather, they know about it, recognize its affect on their life but have moved beyond the pain and the destruction. It is now another detail of the past, like the town they were raised in, who their grandparents are, or the school at which they attended first grade.

At this stage, former victims are living rich and full lives.  They are not perfect, but neither are they hobbled by the tragedy in their past.  Best of all, they can share their story or not – usually in the context of helping others understand that thriving is a given, if you do the work to get there.

What I’m outlining as occurring in steps actually happens in a long slow process. The work is not easy.  Nor is it short.  At times, recovery seems as painful as the original abuse.  But the reward of doing the work is a life well lived.   Ironically, once former victims move beyond what was done to them, they become able to put the past in the past. And then they get to choose the path of their future – without the shadows that haunted them.

Posted in Abuse, healing, Louise Behiel, recovery | Tagged , , , | 33 Comments

8 Steps to an Emotionally Rich Family

Posted on May 10, 2012 by

We’ve talked alot about families and how early childhood experiences can shape adulthood.  And I’ve had a number of requests to share some thoughts about healthy families.  It’s an interesting dilemma – people don’t come to therapy because their life is wonderful.  But when I look at people I see and know, I realized there are some common principles lived by families who are emotionally present for each other and for the children.

Two small points.  When I work with parents about their families, I remind them of the old style radio my  neighbors had in their living room.

If you’re a Gen X’er or a Gen Y’er, you can find a sample of this radio in the Smithsonian, but they used to be common.  The important point of this radio is the big red needle, which you moved to choose a station.  It’s hard to see but there are a number of bands on the face of the radio.  The needle moved across all of them at the same time, but the choice of the band and the location of the needle determined the programming we listened to.

This is how I see children.  They are born with their bandwidth and their station pre-programmed.  It’s either AM or FM  or another band.  All of the parenting in the world can move that dial a little bit either direction of the pre-set selection.  But…lousy parenting can force a chld to a different band altogether.  So the key is to love our children as they are.

When I first started this series, a reader contacted me and said “Oh my Heavens, I am a hero and I’m trying to make my daughter adopt my world view and expectations…and that’s not who she is.” Mom was trying to change the band of her daughter’s personality.

So after that analogy what are the signs of an emotionally rich family?

1. Healthy families permit and encourage private time. Personal boundaries are respected as long as safety is not questioned.  This applies to parents and children.

2. Each person has a personal, private space for themselves.  It might just be the lower bunk in a shared bedroom, but there is a space that’s mine.  Always.

3. No conversation is off-limits but every conversation must be age appropriate.  Kids always know more than we assume or expect, so it’s important to be honest with them. At the same time, communication must be within the constructs of their emotional and mental development.

4. To successfully manage point 3, of course, parents have to be aware of normal, healthy development in children. Do you understand what your children are able to digest?  Psychology has lots of information about the emotional, moral, and intellectual abilities of children at each age and stage. Study them.

5. Positive affirmations and support must significantly outnumber the negatives. Children need to know what they’re doing right.  Not meaningless praise and pats on the head but the real stuff that they need to accept and own so they can be the best adults they can be.

6. Children need to regularly hear “I love you”, “I’m proud of you”, and “you (or your opinion) matters to me”. When children grow up knowing that they matter, they are free to fully evolve into their potential.

7. Children need us to ‘walk our talk’. If we expect them to tell the truth, then we need to set the example. If we talk the importance of God, or church or matters spiritual, it is important we live to those standards.  Little ones are easily confused about these beliefs and they need us to live as we speak.

8. In the same vein, it is important that we take care of ourselves. It makes no sense to talk about healthy living or the importance of exercise or educational success if we aren’t following through ourselves. It is a waste of air time to tell our children what not to do while we’re doing it.

Are you seeing the pattern? Children learn what they live (as the old poem says). So live your best life.  You don’t have to be perfect – they only need to know you’re evolving.  Tell them you love them often and do your best – it’s all any of us can do.

Image from http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Truetone-Radio.jpg

Does this make sense? Let me know what you think, because I love to hear from you.

Posted in Families, Louise Behiel | Tagged , , | 45 Comments

Reader Appreciation Award

Posted on May 9, 2012 by

This is an extra post for me…and it’s special.  I have been presented with the Reader Appreciation Award from Melis at IAMNOTSHE.

Melis writes about her family, her struggle with bulimia, and life.  She often writes poems, all as unique and beautiful as she is.  But most of all, Melis is always honest and humble.  Thank you Melis for including me in your circle of friends.

The rules for this award as laid out by The Reader Appreciation Award Foundation only require the recipient to link back to the blogger who nominated me and to nominate 6 other bloggers that I follow and appreciate.

My six nominees are:

Steena Holmes

DL Snow

Asrai Devlin

Jennette Marie Powell

Kristy James

Tameri Etherton

Please check out the blogs of these wonderful women, all of whom mean a lot to me.

Posted in Award, Louise Behiel | Tagged , | 26 Comments

How Do You Define Success?

Posted on May 7, 2012 by

I had dinner Saturday evening with one of my girlfriends and we got into a deep conversation about a variety of topics.  But the one that had me thinking all evening and most of today was a simple question she asked me: “How do you define success?”

In truth I don’t know. What is success?  My daughter and I discussed success today as it concerns weight loss.  Is it the number on the scale? The size of clothes you wear?  Or your BMI?

In light of this blog, I gave much thought to this topic and considered it in light of the roles of emotionally barren families.  This is not a topic I’ve researched, nor is it a topic I’ve come up with directly in my practice, but I think it profoundly affects all of us who may be locked into a way of behaving – whether that’s a huge padlock that keeps us still or a diary lock that’s easily broken. Remember too that all these roles are defined by their family.  The accomplishments of a hero in a poor, uneducated family will likely look much different than those of a child from a middle class family. Remember, these aren’t conscious choices, but are an instinctual reaction to the families’ stress.

The Hero (which I clearly am and still work to overcome) never succeeds.  From the outside, they look good – they have multiple accomplishments, awards and acclamations.  They do things no one else has done and in time frames that are amazing.  But…while they can celebrate their accomplishments in the moment, usually heroes end up diminishing them after awhile, often saying “No big deal, anyone could have done it.”  Ironically, they mean it at some level.

Another thing about heroes is that they usually have a wonderful portfolio, resume or CV. But it may not seem to be so great to them. When heroes are locked into their role, whatever they have done is not enough. Goals become stepping stones to more and bigger and better.  And there’s always another goal.  How would I know success?  I’m not sure.  Because with every step of my life there’s always another step to reach for.

I’m not saying this is a bad thing or undesireable.  Heroes can change the world.  But often this happens with incredible stress on ourselves.  And with a constant sense of ‘not being enough, quick enough, well enough.’

Rebels measure success in a totally different manner.  Since they are the ‘failures’ of their family, they often measure success by how far their rebellion takes them from their families’ desires.  So if wealth and professional success matter to their family, the rebel will actively seek outcomes that do no contribute to the family’s status.  They will measure success in a totally different field.  I had a client who’s family were all doctors and dentists.  She went into the IT world, becoming very successful, eventually becoming the director of a large department.  She got her bulimia under control and lived a contented life.  To her family, she was still a failure, because she hadn’t gone into medicine.  As a speech pathologist, nurse or veterinarian, she still would have been the family failure.

She could never completely enjoy and delight in her success because it wasn’t good enough for her family. She made a professional income, had a great deal of responsibility which she handled well.  But she never felt like a success.  None of the rest mattered – she had absorbed the family decision that she was a failure and lived it out, in spite of her accomplishments.

The Lost Child is often an introvert who chooses to minimize their relationships with others.  They may achieve success, as defined by the outside world, but often don’t feel successful.  And if the stress is too heavy, they will walk away from that position in order to find something with less demands on them. If they are of an academic bent, they may go back to school, looking for the perfect career.  This is a good way for the Lost Child to look like they’re moving forward and to justify to themselves why they’re doing what they’re doing, but it is still a way to avoid the stress of a regular job and to avoid people.

The Mascot is an interesting study when considering success. For some of them, their humor will be an element of ‘cool’ and will propel them to levels of success.  For others, that humor will deny them professional success and keep them in jobs that are below their abilities.

But of course, success is more than your job and your accomplishments, isn’t it? So how do you define success?  Has it been affected by your role in your family?  Or your place in the birth order? Or your own drives?  I’d love to know what you think about this topic…because I’m still thinking about it.

Posted in ACOA, adult children, Louise Behiel, Roles | Tagged , , | 53 Comments

My First Author Interview

Posted on May 4, 2012 by

I nearly fell out of my recliner when the lovely and talented Jennifer Oliver offered to interview me for her series “Behind the Quill”.

Jennifer’s blog is always interesting,  entertaining and fun. I hope you’ll join us for a look ‘Behind the Quill‘.

Blame me for the boring bits.  <vbg>

Posted in Louise Behiel | Tagged , , | 18 Comments